Photo: Top Rope Press
Can you smell it? It’s a distinct odor, and it always precedes big change. Oh, it’s so beautifully naive. It’s hope. Yes, a New Era is upon us and it will be ushered in by WWE’s second attempt at a talent draft. With a precedent to learn from, it’s fair to raise your expectations and truly believe that WWE will capitalize on their abundance of talent. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t questions to be answered. However, I just don’t have anyone to ask them, so I call upon my 2nd, 3rd, and even 10th personalities to guide me through a fulfilling WWE mailbag. I huffed a bunch of glue to make sure that their voices came in clear. So here it goes, the Make Believe Mailbag: Draft Edition.
When I think about WWE using 2 big belts, I become violent. Why is this so?
—Ivan W. Cruz, Topeka, KS
Two belts are inherently a Socialist policy. Dueling championships limits the significance of titles and places a cap on talent potential. In economics, the benefits of these principles are debatable; in wrestling, they are not.
Exhibit A: The two belt system kept Booker T from becoming a mega star. Seeing that he had already held the Big Gold Belt in WWE, decision makers could have felt that he did not need a run with the WWE Title. So, when Booker T’s WrestleMania moment arrived against a mudslinging Triple H in 2003, we all thought that Mr. 5x’s crystallization was imminent. When that crowning never materialized, we felt slighted, and not in the “Oh, We’re Just Marks Way,” but the “No, You Guys Actually Got This One Wrong Way.”
Exhibit B: John Cena has 15 titles. Randy Orton has 12. Jack Swagger has a belt. Ziggler has two and Del Rio owns a couple runs. Hulk Hogan, a fascist, has 5.
Yet, this could be a good thing. WWE has so much talent, but a lot of them have never truly achieved anything (look no further than Bray Wyatt). A good way to boost personalities like Owens, Zayn, Styles, Rusev, Balor, Cesaro, even Ambrose, is to slap a little gold around their waist.
Photo: WWE
Is Brock Lesnar, regardless of limited dates, the real number one pick?
—Mel Kiper Jr., Bristol CT
Yes x 1,000,000. His cross promotional conquest has given him a gravitational pull that rivals Jupiter’s. Even if he were to do 10 dates a year, they would be precious. That’s 4 PPV’s and a handful of RAW/Smackdowns – plenty to garner national attention.
*Lesnar potentially failing a drug test is far more detrimental to UFC than WWE.
On a scale of WWE vignettes, how excited should we be for the Draft and Brand Split
—Emperor Matt, St. Augustine, FL
If the sphincter of this spectrum is Glacier and the diamond Mr. Perfect, I can say with confidence that the draft’s expectations align with an Edge vignette. There’s something viscerally agreeable, but we just don’t know enough to go bonkers.
I mean, c’mon, they need me, right?
—Eric Bischoff, Somewhere Smug
Not to answer a question with a question, but do you really think you can get away with H.L.A. in 2016, Bischoff?
No, actually they do need you. For labeling itself sports entertainment rather than pro wrestling, WWE sure does have some stale personalities week to week.
Smackdown’s decision is rumored to have already been made, but you’re more of a RAW guy, anyway. I’ll hope you bring that smarmy aura of yours to Monday nights.
Photo: 411 Mania
Who’s the riskiest draft pick of them all?
—YokozunaGurl237, A White Castle in West Virginia
Light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks, because it’s Finn Balor.
The NXT crowd is such a beautiful collection of indigenous wrestling fans. But how projectable is their love? So many NXT talents have had rough transitions to the main roster. Of the NXT graduates, Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins have been the most successful. It’s no coincidence that they are also some of the best mic men in the company. So I ask you, rhetorically of course, how capable is Finn on the mic?
“But Sami Zayn!!”
WWE has perched Zayn on the wings of Kevin Owens. If not for such a fail safe feud, Zayn could be floundering like the rest of his classmates.
I’ll admit that fans are seeking out great wrestling matches over great promos, which bodes well for Mr. Balor. The risk doesn’t lie in his talent, though; it’s his expectations. WWE may not know what to do with him (evident by his tardy arrival to main roster), fans have anointed him, and I think there could be a potent batch of disappointment brewing.
He could be great. He could be Jamarcus Russell.
Uce, are we totally gooked?
—Jimmy and Jey Uso, Hawaii or something, USA
Guys, I simply cannot keep up with your “Uce,” lingo. But given who you are and the context of your situation, I’ll guess “gooked,” is interchangeable with “F’d.” So yes, with your only claim to relevance being suspended for a bit, you are indeed, completely gooked.
Click Next Below For The Second Half Of The Mailbag
Photo: WWE
We should celebrate living in a world where dick pics are not a violation of the Wellness Policy, right?
—A Concerned Lunatic, Asylum, USA.
We definitely should. You should keep your fingers crossed that WWE enacts a retroactive policy that punishes naked selfies. If that legislation doesn’t pass quickly, you’re going to be belt-less very, very soon.
What’s the one thing you’re hoping for?
—Bernie Sanders, The Heartbreak Hotel
Glad to have ya, Bern! You’ll find being a WWE fan is much like a career in politics: you can get your hopes up, with streaks of poignant satisfaction, but in the end the machine gets what it wants.
Now, to your question.
I’m hoping for new commentary. There’s just something about Michael Cole that cheapens the consumption of wrestling. His predecessors were hyperbolic in presentation, and could not help but to leave an impression. They added to the experience, where Cole feels like a fly I can’t swat.
JBL is a confusing bird. Like your political peers, Bernie, JBL speaks in an ambiguous rhetoric and we just aren’t sure what his agenda actually is. If he could just pick a side, we’d all be better off.
There’s promise, however. Mauro Ranallo makes us feel like we’re watching something novel. I think his role and exposure will only increase in time. Corey Graves is particularly talented and has a great look that makes non-wrestling fans stop and ask questions. The same goes for Lita. WWE seems to take pride in at least attempting to be progressive, and putting Lita behind an announce table would certainly be that.
Basically Bernie, I want my wrestling to feel like wrestling again. It’s become a little too much sport and not enough entertainment.
Photo: WWE
Is WWE actively trying to de-value the IC belt to match the US Belt in a currency war
—Louissa, Parts Unknown
If I knew what a currency war is, I would say yes, and that’s a great question.
The Intercontinental Title become a less a sign of imminence and more a prop, making the Miz the perfect IC champ until he’s not. The IC belt’s competition gives us some indication who is being prepped for the big-time, but it also delineates a wrassler as not quite part of the main event. Have we seen AJ Styles near this belt? Didn’t he lose the MITB qualifier, to a MITB match that included the exact same competitors as the IC belt carousel? Very astute, Louissa.
If the IC Belt is part of WWE’s storied history, the US belt is a red-headed scalp from the conquest of WCW. With Cena’s open challenge and Rollins actually using it as main event level spoils, the US title has had a nice year. By putting the title on talents like Alberto Del Rio and Rusev only underlines the fact that WWE is trying to make the belt worthwhile.
With the IC belt becoming more erratic, the entire midcard feels more malleable, as is the potential for someone to be elevated to the main event. This shift has been bolstered by the US belt mattering more than it ever has. In the same year of the first draft, the Hardcore and European championships quickly merged with the Intercontinental belt in a talent rich era. When the US and IC belts go to separate shows, we’ll remember the purpose of both.
Will the government ever subsidize universal WWE Network?
—Neymar, Bowling Green, KY
The Rock is Elvis. Brock Lesnar is Mike Tyson. John Cena is Billy Crystal with muscles. Wrestling is cool now. WWE has become an institution. After the college bubble bursts, we’ll get our government issued WWE Network.
Sasha?
—Alessandro Peppercini, Rome, Italy.
Indeed, Sasha. How cool is it that the fan-ship is all craving a result from the Women’s Division?
Look, I know the Diva’s Revolution had a piano strapped to its back, but it kind of worked. I think a lot of WWE, specifically the Women’s Division, has been in a holding pattern due to the draft. I expect the post-Battleground build up between Banks and Charlotte to be dynamite. A balanced and compelling Women’s Division is on the way.
The psychedellics are fading and so are the voices. The dance is over, thanks for reading, guys. For shorter version of similar rhetoric, hit me up @CheekyJobbers
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